Almost Arousal

My skin reacts before I understand why. The anxiety of anticipating a tough conversation, the stress of indecision, the giddy excitement of meeting strangers, or going out on dates. All of this presents itself physically on my skin. I love how it gives me the ability to recognize the mental and physiological changes my body is going through, because they manifest as physical symptoms.

I went out this weekend and had a great time. But the ride over there was very interesting. First came the sweat, not unusual considering Bangalore is getting hotter this time of year, and I didn’t register it initially. Then I felt my heart rate rise; I just attributed it to the heat and moving around.
It finally hit me when the itchiness began. On the way to my destination, I could feel my body tingling, itchy. But it ramped up quickly.
The tingling soon turned into burning, but in a good way. I became hyper-aware of my surroundings. Every tiny movement I made while riding there felt like I was teasing an itch that couldn’t be satisfied. My whole body felt on fire internally. My jaw started to clench. I could feel my eyes rolling back at times, and my eyelids starting to drop. It felt like arousal. But it wasn’t in the least bit sexual. Every small movement I took toward scratching that itch anywhere on my body felt orgasmic.
At every traffic stop I hit, I took the chance to try and scratch the itch, but it felt too sharp and intense. I needed to keep riding because the wind against my body gave me the most relief. Rubbing my arms and squeezing my muscles felt so pleasurable. I even tried box breathing in a futile attempt to calm myself as I rode on.
Upon reaching my destination, I immediately rushed to the bathroom and locked myself in an empty stall. I took my shirt off and massaged myself. I could see my skin was raised; areas had started to flake, and the color had shifted. But the itch itself was deep under my skin. I grabbed my muscles, digging my fingers into my body, trying to reach that internal spot. I tried to stretch and massage my body to satisfy the feeling.
I eventually exited the stall when I felt myself calm down a bit. The sensation continued even as I interacted with people, then gradually became background noise as the night went on.

That sudden surge of excitement, along with the other physical sensations, is something I’ve experienced only with sex or drugs. This was new. At least this intensity was new. There used to be a time when I felt shame for my condition, but now all I have for it is curiosity. The novelty of this experience felt like a resurgence in my curiosity to understand my own body.

I’ve spent the last couple of months trying to understand my condition better, my unique flavor, mainly through diet and exercise. I’ve felt stable for the past few months. But this weekend only got me excited about the future.

From here, we experiment.