Daily Avoidance

Ah, I see what's happening. I set a challenge for myself and my mind expertly found ways to circumvent the constraints I set for myself and revert to laziness.

The poems I write are quick, easy, and rarely result in something meaningful to me. But to actually look within, contemplate, and put my thoughts on paper is time-consuming, terrifying, and demands effort. What's the point of challenging myself to write everyday from simply skating by without producing anything meaningful? Most days it's because I postpone writing searching for the right state of mind, or the right inspiration, but when nothing inevitably comes up, I quickly pump out fun but meaningless poetry.
With the poetry I get the thumbs up for having written that day. It's troublesome because I want the ability to be effortlessly poetic but am unwilling to train with effort. 
With the more contemplative writing, it's rewarding every time, but I'm afraid of not concluding with anything. If I'm writing it should have an end shouldn't it? Why risk exposure with an incomplete thought? 

I like the motion of poetry, and for what it's worth it really does take a few steps further, but the prose is stillness and thinking. It doesn't feel like I'm moving in the moment but once it's all out, I've leaped far beyond I imagined i would that day. Poetry brings safe closure that I fear the other writing will not. 
I've confused the challenge I set out for myself. I've offloaded the attempt at enlightenment through contemplation onto building the discipline of writing, when the two are distinct tasks which have some overlap.

A part of me feels like I've made an intellectual excuse to write more meaningless poetry and another part feels like I've come to terms with letting an unfinished thought be exposed.