Pride

The final scene of Snowfall absolutely destroyed me. I completed the show a few days ago, and I've had the image of Franklin walking away from Leon burned into my memory since then. Whoever chose PRIDE. by Kendrick Lamar to end the show definitely deserves a raise. It's my favourite Kendrick Lamar song, and honestly I've had a similar image in my head whenever I listen to the track, even from before I had heard about the show. It's just perfect. Chef's kiss.

To see Franklin's life nosedive is something I fear about my life. Franklin had everything he dreamed about, and in a matter of a few months he loses literally everything. From being wealthy and a teetotaler, he becomes his father: homeless and chained to a bottle. I say chained specifically because in the final scene he says he doesn't have any chains on him, and that he's free. But he isn't.

Just like the final scene, I fear someday I'll become a rambling homeless substance abuser, and I'll run into an old friend who made something of their life while I am living in the lies I tell myself and hooked on chemicals. While the circumstances that led to Franklin's downfall were much more intense and complicated than what I have going on in my life, it's ego and pride that are the death of him. That moment when he decides to go against Cissy's wishes in regard to Teddy and the KGB agent.

I operate on two extremes and very rarely in between. It's either no ego or only ego, and that has gotten me into some pretty tense situations - physical fights, visits to the police station, or in relationships where sometimes I've stayed too long, killing myself thinking I can fix things. I've said things I don't believe. In every one of those situations there's a moment where my mind goes, "fuck it, we ball," and it's all pride and ego from there. And it's a conscious decision too. Even if my mind is taken away from the scene, I sometimes think, "this might be a better story to tell later" or "what if this was a movie, what would my character say?"

Fuckin' pride, man.

Love's gonna get you killed.
But pride's gonna be the death of you, and me, and you...