She Looks Back
I honestly don’t know where or when I came across Raja Ravi Varma’s Shakuntala. Probably in some rabbit hole of researching Indian mythology, whose stories are so intricate and complex. But I do remember doing a double take on the painting, I was immediately drawn to it.
At first, I’ll admit, it was most likely the three women in the frame that made me click on the image. A tiny description of the image I could find reads:
“Shakuntala seizes the opportunity to look at her lover Dushyanta once more. As she heads back to the hermitage with her friends, Anasuya and Priyamvada, she pretends to have been pricked by a thorn. She look back at her lover, feigning to remove a thorn from her foot.”
“It’s such a tiny detail of early courtship/love that I was so mesmerized by. It’s the ‘will she look back?’ trope used in countless romantic comedies, but the painting captures the moment and bring it to life, makes it real. Shakuntala looks back at Dushyanta but hides behind the act of removing a thorn from her foot. While the painting points to Dushyanta with Shakuntala’s eyes, he is nowhere in the frame, because the painting isn’t about him.
From the perspective of Dushyanta, it’s something I’ve always asked myself in relationships. “Does she think about me when I’m not around?”, “How does she look at me when I’m not looking?”, “I better not do anything stupid because I know she’s looking at me.”. It’s all the usual insecurities I have with relationships. I want to be looked at and observed without the attention. It’s the distant but intense connection that speaks to my soul, the way I show affection and love.
From the perspective of Shakuntala, the realism of the act of pretending to remove the thorn from her foot, is what warms my heart. It’s shyness, it’s curiosity, it’s insecurity, it’s budding love. It answers the questions of my own insecurities. I don’t think I would hide behind the another action in a relationship, but a crush? One where I’m unsure whether the other person is into me or not? I wouldn’t be as smooth as Shakuntala.
But the image doesn’t stop there. Shakuntala also leans on her friend to “remove the thorn”, she’s deliberately involving her friend in her infatuation, it may not be an active involvement but she’s her instinct is to share the infatuation with her. Something I have not done enough of. I don’t speak about my relationships enough with my male friends, and it’s definitely not my instinct to reach out to them. In fact I avoid them until I know a relationship is solid, and I avoid sharing the messy embarrassing details with them most of the time.
The painting, without a doubt captures the perspective of Shakuntala, but I don’t identify with it. I want to be looked at. I want to see the tension between us captured. It makes me wonder about how I love and want to be loved. That’s why I can’t seem to take my eyes off this painting. I feel like Shakuntala is looking at me. Seeing right through me.