Still In The Ring

Okay, so that's one week gone while I messed around with the backend of AWS Lightsail and crashed my website multiple times. Thanks, Claude. Actually, no. Claude did fine the first few days. I just got lazy, and the days spent messing around and not publishing gave me the excuse to eventually not write for a few days.

Old habits die hard, I guess. This was bound to happen. I'm disappointed I didn't account for my subconscious decision to just default to running away from responsibility. But in the week I was away, it got me thinking.

At first the relief of not being able to publish while my site was down set in, and I immediately used it as an excuse not to write. I could write on paper, or on my phone, and publish when the dust settled. It was an easy decision not to. But then came the devilish thoughts of how most of what I'd written so far is embarrassing and unfit for publication. My main insecurities being the surface-level nonsense poems I wrote for the sake of writing. And fuck that, I won't tolerate that disrespect (even if it is from me). Despite being rubbish, each one of those poems taught me something, in its own way.

While learning how to fight, I'd freeze sometimes - put my hands up and let myself get pummelled, go into a fetal position. I was still in the ring, but barely. With time, I learned how to evade, get into better positions, and fight back. But I needed the experience of knowing that I could freeze, and then making the decision to do something that counts in the fight.

Those pointless surface-level poems I wrote for the sake of writing on days I didn't want to write are freezing. There can be only two options — fight (write), or flight (not write). And I'd rather fight.

But fuck it. We're back.
Excuse me while I punish myself and post twice every day for the next week.